Perhaps one of the hardest parts of parenting for me has been finding childcare. We moved to Atlanta when my daughter was 6 weeks old, and we have no family in close enough proximity to help with the kids.

After the birth of my daughter, I chose to leave my education career and work from home as a consultant so I could be her primary caregiver during the work week. I imagined that as my daughter’s SAHM with a part-time consulting gig, I would work while she slept (or while away hours on the computer while she nursed quietly).

But I quickly learned that my daughter had the upper hand. She got upset when I was on the phone or the computer, so I needed childcare to get any work done (not to mention if I ever needed to go to the dentist, accountant, or a bazillion other things I never thought twice about before I had kids).

Over the past four years, my husband and I have bounced her and her brother between cooperative preschool, PMO, nanny share and babysitter to accommodate my seemingly unrealistic dream that I can have it all: I want to be the kids’ primary caregiver, but I also need to work some traditional weekday hours to keep my consulting business going.

This became even more complicated with the birth of my son more than a year ago. Again, the plan was to work while he napped, but he NEVER SLEEPS. He also was hospitalized a number of times, leaving us scrambling to find someone who could watch my daughter.

If you’ve ever paid an hourly sitter for 24-plus hours in a row, you know my pain.

The most expensive part of my son’s hospitalizations every time has been the cash we shelled out for babysitters to watch our daughter to ensure one of us could be with my son in the hospital. Not to mention the logistical scrambling to schedule different sitters to cover windows of time over the long stretches we had to be away.

It seems I am always looking for a babysitter. I have been told by mommy friends over and over that if I just put my kids in full-time childcare (preschool, nanny, what-have-you), I would have the reliability in care I need. But I can’t afford child care during hours I’m not working, and I want to take my kids to the zoo on a Thursday morning if I don’t have work — this is why I left my career to do consulting.

This spring might have been the low point.

With ads on both sittercity.com and care.com, I reviewed more than 150 responses to my ad for a part-time sitter.

I marveled at the choices I had. One applicant’s profile photo was of her, naked from the waist up, with her hands covering her breasts. Another had a desperate plea: She “didn’t really like kids much but was willing to be nice to mine because [she] was completely unable to secure any sort of work for the past year and was worried the electricity may be shut off.”

Once I managed to find a handful of applicants who were clothed and experienced, I scheduled interviews.

I scheduled four potential sitter interviews in one day. Two were no-shows. One was a half-hour late (but said she’d be on time when she watched my kids). And the one who showed up on time? She had another offer so she would only take the job with me if I was willing to outbid the other family at more than $15 an hour.

A close friend who is expecting her firstborn in October recently explained to me why she is quitting her job to stay home with her son for at least the first two years, until they can get him into a “good preschool.”

She and her wife have no family or friends that live near enough to help with childcare, and she has no plans on using a babysitter EVER. As a former nanny and preschool director, she knows first-hand just how untrustworthy and downright crazy people who care for children can be. There are certainly plenty of incredible nannies and sitters “but you can never know for sure because a lot of nannies are just crazy people who can’t get other jobs and think taking care of kids is easy,” she explained.

When I asked her what she would do when she needed to go for a doctor’s visit, she patiently explained that her son will go with her everywhere, and she will never need a break. As a former nanny, she “knows what it’s like to care for a child all day long,” and she thinks she knows she can go a couple years without help.

Before I had kids, I imagined SAHM/Ds sat around watching soaps all day while their kids played quietly in another room. I now understand that being a SAHM/D is the hardest job there is, and those women and men are unlikely to use the bathroom alone for a solid three years per kid, much less get a lunch break.

I know a lot of moms and dads who work full-time and have their kids in full-time childcare — they love their caregivers, have successful careers, and come home from work every day ready to devote their full attention to their kids.

I have a friend in this utopian situation. Last month, she called in sick to work and told the nanny to stay home so she could surprise the kids with a day together at the zoo. Both kids were so inconsolable that the nanny wasn’t coming and mom was staying home, that they spent the day in tears. And although she tried not to take it personally, mom was inconsolable, too.

Some of you might have perfect situations. Dreamy caregivers and kids who still prefer to spend the day with you. SAHM/Ds who never need a break and have mastered the art of showering with kids clinging to your ankles. But for most of the moms and dads I know, childcare is the part of parenting that is hardest to make peace with.

Kristin Moody hasn’t had a pee break without company for three years and doesn’t expect any privacy for at least another three. She’s mom to Lula, 3, and Maseo, 1.

Read about other families’ childcare choices.